Today is a very special mothers day for me – it is my first mothers day with all my girls – my first mothers day where I feel my family is finally complete. While it is not the relaxing day I was hoping for (Mr A is on the other side of the world for business) – no sleep in, no coffee in bed, nobody else to respond when the kids say “I’m hungry” for the 50th time before 9am – it is oh so sweet to finally be in a place where time is no longer my enemy and I can relax and enjoy them.
For me mothers day is one of such mixed emotions – I love everything that is symbolizes but it is a day that gets me every year as I am constantly thinking of our precious little Laura and how I felt on my first mothers day seven years ago.
The first mothers day any mother celebrates should be the happiest ever – you have finally made it into the club – the most important club in the world – I however found myself in a completely different club to that which I had longed to be in – this club was one of those clubs that in your wildest dreams you never thought you would be part of but there it was staring you in the face. I was a mother but I was without my child – a mother without a job – a mother being surrounded by nothing but reminders of what it should have been like that day – I know this made me a mother and I was so proud to be a mum to Laura but I felt like a failed mother.I wanted desperately for people to wish me a happy mothers day but most did not know what to say.
I know I am not alone with my feelings – the loss of mother-hood hits so many people on mothers day – not only those that have lost precious babes but those struggling to conceive a baby.
For the past two years I found myself crying at my eldest daughters mothers day concert – while watching her I am thinking about what we missed, I should already have experienced this with her big sister – this catches me completely off guard every year and I know that mothers day tears will stay with me until old age.
So to all those who through infertility, miscarriage and stillbirth are unable to hold their babies as they should and hear the words they so desperately want to here, this day is also for you, you are not alone – Happy Mothers Day xx